Monday, February 23, 2015

The trap of self pity

I read an amazing daily devotional called Jesus Calling. Today's reading was about being on the guard against self-pity, especially when you are weary and unwell. Its a dangerous pit to fall into.

I am so emotionally drained. And, I am now sick with a pesky cold that has been hanging around for over a week. I am tired. And so stressed. And, I started falling into that pit of self pity.

We continue to have serious, serious issues with J's case. I find myself losing my perspective at times because the issues are so serious and yet the current case plan continues. Are these things as serious as I think they are? I reach out to my friends, ad neuseam, as sounding boards (sorry, friends, you must be so sick of my texts!). But, yes, they are that serious. They are that scary. J is in that much danger.

I find myself thinking WHY can't things just be a little easier? Why can't we just keep him safe. Why is my family going through this? Why is J having to go through this? How can I possibly handle the stress of handing over my precious little boy each week to go to where he is most definitely not safe.

I have fallen into that pit. But, God never said things in life would be easy. In fact, He says there will be many struggles.

There is a plan here. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. He will give me the endurance to run the race that is set before me, without stumbling or falling.

We are so blessed to have the support and prayers of our family, church, and friends. We would very much appreciate your continued prayers.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrew 12:1


Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sunday

We went to church today. As is our routine, Moo went to his kid's experience and Baby J and I went to worship and sing together. I take him to his group after we sing together. He raises his hands in worship and cuddles into me. It is an amazing bonding experience we share every Sunday.

The worship experience today was raw. The singing was amazing. Many tears were shed. My sadness ebbed and flowed. My hope ebbed and flowed. I poured my prayers to Jesus. They were direct and honest and raw.

I came home exhausted. I napped and could have slept all day. But, a Super Bowl party called our names.

I spoke with his CASA worker tonight. It was a promising conversation.

We are holding on for the roller coaster ride that is foster care. But, J is worth this ride. He is worth the sadness and anger and feeling of powerlessness. He is worth the hope and the tears and the unknowns. He is worth the sleepless nights and the anxiety and fear.

This is in God's hands.